I couldn’t decide what to call this post, because it’s kind of a mixture of thoughts on 8 years of marriage and how much learning is really involved in growing up in general.

I’ve been reading a blog lately by a young married woman (24) [an internet stranger] who is really trying t0 figure out/justify her family’s lifestyle choices. It’s kind of sad, because I see myself in her, my own opinionated attitude coming out through her blog posts, and a haughtiness I’ve often been convicted of in my own attitude.

What strikes me most about it is the attitude that at even 24-25 years old we have to have it all figured out. I don’t know when I learned that lesson, but I did learn that I don’t have to, nor do I actually, have it all figured out (yet, and I’m 5 years older now). What bugs me more than her resemblance to myself is an even greater unwillingness to bend and to change her beliefs and attitude even to her own benefit.

I can’t really recall a specific thing that I’ve learned in the last 29 years, or the last 8 years of marriage or 4.5 years of parenthood that made me realize that I’ve still got a lot to learn, because there really are so many things. And it’s an ongoing process.

I’m proud of being married for 8 years, though, to be honest, it’s not like it was really all that hard to “stay” married, because I wanted to be married, and when you want something, you work hard for it, or to keep it. I can understand how marriage is hard, but I’ve never wanted out. I think the only way to have a truly successful marriage is to always be yourself, before marriage and after. If you try to be anyone other than you, you will either be unhappy or make your partner unhappy. And the success of a marriage isn’t about the length, it’s about whether two people are still in love by the end.

As far as my spiritual beliefs, I was pretty firm in these from high school, and I don’t think I’ve changed much, except that I’ve grown in understanding, and probably become a little more gentle in my disagreements with others. The only way to persuade people that you disagree with is gently, because knocking them over the head with a Bible doesn’t really do much good, for you, them, or the Bible.

I’ve learned not to be trivial, not to split hairs over what’s “biblical” or “unbiblical” because there is a lot of stuff that is just “nonbiblical” (not in the Bible either way). I think I prefer that term to either of the above, because it wastes a lot less time.

For example, one of the things [internet stranger] has on her blog is a complaint that her church wants her to do the “unbiblical” thing that is taking her babies to the nursery, while she wants to do the “biblical” thing and keep the babies with her in church. People on either side of the issue have constructed their “biblical” arguments about why they feel they are right, but the whole thing stinks of church politics and hair splitting. The truth is, if a mom wants to keep her kids in church, that’s her prerogative (as long as they aren’t noisy and distracting), but if she’d rather sit in church and have her kids in the nursery, there’s nothing wrong with that either. In a church of large size like ours, this is, of course, a non-issue, as each parent has the option of doing what they please, as long as they get to church on time. But whether it’s biblical or not has nothing to do with it. It’s certainly biblical to teach kids about Jesus, whether it’s done in the sermon, or with goldfish crackers and flannel-graph. To try to prove our biblicality (I know, not a word) is falsely spiritual, possibly sinful, if done in a judgmental way.

But it really comes down to this, personal opinions are just that. Personal. No one should judge others based on their own opinion or perception of what’s “right” when it is of little ultimate concern. And one should not have to justify their own personal choices by trying to prove they are “biblical” because it’s just a waste of effort and time.

I don’t know if all my choices in marriage and raising children are approved by others in the church. I’m sure if they were judging me I wouldn’t want to know it, because they are my choices and I don’t have to feel bad about them, because I’m doing what I hope is right for my own family.