I’ve read a lot lately about people who have decided that they do not want to use birth control or any type of contraception or family planning methods, and believe that God wants to give them as many children as he sees fit. Many of these people are part of a movement called “Quiverfull” but not all of them are. Some are Catholic, others just feel convicted that God is in charge of our conception, and we have no right to try to control it. Some even go so far as to say IVF (In vitro fertilization) is evil, but for all the wrong reasons.

At this point in life, I don’t know how many children I want. Maybe 2 more, maybe one, maybe I’m done. I’m satisfied right now with the two I have, and I think it would be selfish to focus all my attention on having another child when I’ve been blessed with two healthy children already. But at this point, Sam feels he’s done having kids, so we’ll leave it at that unless he changes his mind, or I do.

We’ve used the Pill in the past, though not with great success. By that, I don’t mean I got pregnant on the pill, but I had major emotional issues the first time, and the second time, I had problems feeding my newborn (it was a progesterone pill that time, but it still contributed to drying up my milk too early). After those three trying months, I decided that we would be better off using barrier methods and avoiding certain times just in case. This is something of a modified “Natural family planning” but it’s worked for us, and I don’t think there’s anything sinful about how we are avoiding pregnancy.

This post is mainly directed to those who have no trouble conceiving, because I’ve got lots of friends and family who have struggled with infertility, and the same “rules” do not apply. But I’m really bothered by people who say “we leave the number of children up to God.” Why? Because God told US to “be fruitful and multiply,” meaning we have SOME part in the process and even, yes, some control over it. And besides that, how many other things in our lives that we control do we “leave up to God?” I don’t think God means for us to sit back and let the world spin around us while we leave it up to Him, he put US here to “subdue the earth” which means that he wants, he EXPECTS us to do some of the work in making decisions.

If New Orleans had “left it up to God” many parts of the city would not have ever existed. The levies that failed were there for a reason. When they broke, much of the city was underwater–because that’s where it had been in the first place. Now I’m sure there are some people who think we should not portend to control these kinds of circumstances, and that it was wrong to build levies and create a sub-sea level city, but those people are usually on the fringe. My point is that saying those kinds of crazy things is not much different than saying you’ll “leave your fertility up to God.”

I’m not saying here that it’s wrong to have a large family, or that it’s wrong to have no children (when you are able), because I feel that everyone has a God-given right to make these kinds of decisions on their own. If we are allowed to remain single while still being physically able to have children, then I see no problem with married adults not wanting to bear children. Not using your fertility is not a sin. There are too many exceptions to every “rule” that seems to be made by some Christian group, and not just because of sin, but because we are all created as individuals, with our own motivations and purposes and talents.

Now, to those who feel that IVF is evil. The argument against it (and all forms of artificial fertilization) is that if God closed your womb, then he doesn’t want you to have children. You have no right to “play God” and create embryos without God’s express written consent, and therefore, what you are doing is wrong. (Others also add the issue of the discarding of fertilized eggs that are more than what a mother “needs” at one point, but this goes into a much more difficult grey area that I’m not going to get into)

Here’s the problem with that argument: They say: If “God closes a woman’s womb” then he doesn’t want that woman to have a child, or he has a reason why he’s making her wait. This argument can apply easily to adoption, and we all know that there are thousands of unwanted children who are awaiting adoption. To say that God does not will for a woman to have a child simply because of a fertility issue is to say you know the mind of God.

Let me make this very clear: I am all for adoption, and I am also all for anyone who desires children getting treated for infertility or even using artificial methods of fertilization. Science has come up with a way to give babies to parents who cannot naturally have babies, and this is a GOOD THING. God loves children, and children ARE a blessing. People who want babies are not monsters! They are desiring something that God WANTS for them. Just because you cannot physically produce a child does not mean that God thinks you shouldn’t have one. That would be like saying that a person has cancer because God wants them to have cancer! Does God want anyone to suffer from a broken nature? NO!!!

Another flaw in the argument that God is in control of our conception and we have no right to interfere is the idea that unwed mothers are somehow within the will of God when they get pregnant. Is it God’s will that babies should be born through sin, whether that of the mother and father, or only the father? Is it God’s will that children should be conceived by rape? I certainly believe that God can USE such situations in a mighty way, but he certainly doesn’t condone such behavior. God allows each child to be conceived, that I know. But he also allows us free will.

I could sit here all day and poke holes in the arguments I hear, but I won’t. (Health of the mother as a factor is just one other argument.) I just know that God sees children as a blessing, but that we are also part of the process of deciding how many “blessings” we are comfortable with. Some parents are only able to handle one blessing, while others are capable of taking on many more.

I couldn’t decide what to call this post, because it’s kind of a mixture of thoughts on 8 years of marriage and how much learning is really involved in growing up in general.

I’ve been reading a blog lately by a young married woman (24) [an internet stranger] who is really trying t0 figure out/justify her family’s lifestyle choices. It’s kind of sad, because I see myself in her, my own opinionated attitude coming out through her blog posts, and a haughtiness I’ve often been convicted of in my own attitude.

What strikes me most about it is the attitude that at even 24-25 years old we have to have it all figured out. I don’t know when I learned that lesson, but I did learn that I don’t have to, nor do I actually, have it all figured out (yet, and I’m 5 years older now). What bugs me more than her resemblance to myself is an even greater unwillingness to bend and to change her beliefs and attitude even to her own benefit.

I can’t really recall a specific thing that I’ve learned in the last 29 years, or the last 8 years of marriage or 4.5 years of parenthood that made me realize that I’ve still got a lot to learn, because there really are so many things. And it’s an ongoing process.

I’m proud of being married for 8 years, though, to be honest, it’s not like it was really all that hard to “stay” married, because I wanted to be married, and when you want something, you work hard for it, or to keep it. I can understand how marriage is hard, but I’ve never wanted out. I think the only way to have a truly successful marriage is to always be yourself, before marriage and after. If you try to be anyone other than you, you will either be unhappy or make your partner unhappy. And the success of a marriage isn’t about the length, it’s about whether two people are still in love by the end.

As far as my spiritual beliefs, I was pretty firm in these from high school, and I don’t think I’ve changed much, except that I’ve grown in understanding, and probably become a little more gentle in my disagreements with others. The only way to persuade people that you disagree with is gently, because knocking them over the head with a Bible doesn’t really do much good, for you, them, or the Bible.

I’ve learned not to be trivial, not to split hairs over what’s “biblical” or “unbiblical” because there is a lot of stuff that is just “nonbiblical” (not in the Bible either way). I think I prefer that term to either of the above, because it wastes a lot less time.

For example, one of the things [internet stranger] has on her blog is a complaint that her church wants her to do the “unbiblical” thing that is taking her babies to the nursery, while she wants to do the “biblical” thing and keep the babies with her in church. People on either side of the issue have constructed their “biblical” arguments about why they feel they are right, but the whole thing stinks of church politics and hair splitting. The truth is, if a mom wants to keep her kids in church, that’s her prerogative (as long as they aren’t noisy and distracting), but if she’d rather sit in church and have her kids in the nursery, there’s nothing wrong with that either. In a church of large size like ours, this is, of course, a non-issue, as each parent has the option of doing what they please, as long as they get to church on time. But whether it’s biblical or not has nothing to do with it. It’s certainly biblical to teach kids about Jesus, whether it’s done in the sermon, or with goldfish crackers and flannel-graph. To try to prove our biblicality (I know, not a word) is falsely spiritual, possibly sinful, if done in a judgmental way.

But it really comes down to this, personal opinions are just that. Personal. No one should judge others based on their own opinion or perception of what’s “right” when it is of little ultimate concern. And one should not have to justify their own personal choices by trying to prove they are “biblical” because it’s just a waste of effort and time.

I don’t know if all my choices in marriage and raising children are approved by others in the church. I’m sure if they were judging me I wouldn’t want to know it, because they are my choices and I don’t have to feel bad about them, because I’m doing what I hope is right for my own family.